Monday, March 27, 2006
Today at the zoo, kids who wear red get free tickets to the game April 8. (Teachers: Impromptu Field Trip Alert! Parents: It's Preschoolers Are Good for Something Day!) It's all part of the "Paint the Town Red" festivities (including "red hot specials" at restaurants and red lighting on landmarks) concocted by the Phils to promote the start of the season next week. The zoo todo will make "mascot history" because the Phanatic will "unveil his true Phillies colors" with the help of a zoologist. What?! Does he have red skin under that green fur, the way polar bears are black underneath? Wait, helping out will be MAB Paints and a crane operator? Could the Phanatic be in for a scarlet dunking?
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
As expected, last night American Idol sang farewell to contestant Kevin Covais (above), who's been a good sport about being nicknamed Chicken Little. Just wondering: What cartoon characters do judges Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson remind you of?
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
At Citizens Bank Park this season, kids have a new option at the Make Your Own Phanatic Store: They can one get that sticks out its tongue. OK, the Phillies site says it's "retractable," but same difference, right? In the future, maybe more "addytood" could be added with eyes that roll. But don't expect one that sarcastically spells E-A-G-L-E-S. For that, someone will have to design a plush Boo Bird.
Monday, March 20, 2006
... is Haverford grad (local angle alert!) Dave Barry's blog, where he posts comments during the actual show each week. And not only him. So do scores of other wingnuts/fans who quip/gasp five times faster than Fox can kill off cast members. I am going to quote 37 remarks from last night's narrative (there's a whole 24 archive), which will look like stealing, but, trust me, it took me minutes to boil 450-plus remarks down into this handy "excerpt." Besides, I'll bet 24 fans get a bigger kick out of this than some of the stuff I've been posting lately. Here goes:
• Second thought? I never knew the president had first ones!
• President Manilow has some kind of adenoid problem that necessitates First Ramparts to speak directly up into his nostrils.
• Look, Edgar's body is STILL on the floor...they apparently couldn't find a stretcher big enough...
• Isn't "Homeland" the people who assessed New Orleans for us?
• Chloe has laser eyes of death! [Her photo's above.]
• So it took them, what, five minutes to get troops all over Los Angeles?
• When Collette bites it, can I have her boots?
• I think it's good that Edgar's dead. He wouldn't have liked being absorbed by Homeland.
• Into the stairwell! Let's all run together in a pack!!!
• wait guys, I've got it! A perimeter! Yes, that's it, let's set up a perimeter!
• thigh shooting scene, coming up
• I think they pressed the button on the Random Plot Generator, and it said: Germans. Posted by: Dave
• Alright, we've killed off 54 secondary characters in the last 60 minutes. Time to introduce 54 more.
• Whoa! Friskin' mighty close to those canisters, fella!
• How did so many absolute nutcase weenies get in charge of our government agencies? On the show that is.
• Standard line from Chloe: "I can't do it! ...okay, fine."
• OK, I vote for less talking and computers, and more pointless violence. Posted by: Dave
• OK, I am still trying to get my mind around the fact that, since this episode started, they apparently managed to shut down ALL THE ROADS IN LOS ANGELES. Posted by: Dave
• Everyone's gonna fight to frisk her.
• Har! The old exploding memory chip trick! Posted by: Dave
• I'm going to make an exploding version of everything I own.
• Volvo, if you are reading this blog (and you know you are): Your current ad campaign bites. Posted by: Dave
• Don't give up hope yet. It's never too late for a thigh shot or an attempted razor-blade eye-ectomy.
• This is the worst episode in like, weeks. Posted by: Dave
• Sumpin' gonna happen to Brother Palmer
• Finally! Some violence!
• Was that the A-Team in that van?
• HOLY AUDREY TERRORIST TRAITOR, Batman!!!!
• Next week: Jack chokes Audrey! Posted by: Dave
• Jack has a little problem with relationships I think
• Jack's willing to strangle Audrey...yet won't lay a hand on Collette. What's up with that?
• I think this opens the door Chloe's been waiting for.....
• I think they're gonna pull a Boston Legal and replace the entire cast.
• Anybody know why they are after Wayne Palmer (and who 'they' are?)?
• YOU THINK JACK'S HAVING A BAD DAY ... How would you like to be the headline writer at the LA TIMES:
Car Bombing in Glendale, no Wait ... Former President Assasinated, no wait ... Hostage Taking at airport, no wait ... Gas at the Galleria, no wait ... Bazooka attack in Pomona, no wait ... Marshall Law Declared, no wait ... Mad Cow in Georgia, Bird flu in Belgium ... I QUIT
Friday, March 17, 2006
We'll never have to see Andy Reid in tights.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Barry Bonds did use enhancing drugs, says a new book. Those are serious allegations. That's why Early Word wants to remember a happier time, a couple of weeks ago, when Bonds hammed around in drag. The resulting amazing photo inspired Daniel Rubin's Blinq blog to request captions for the above photo. Here are some of the best, but you may also enjoy the rest. (Blinq also has more about the book, by the way.)
• "Tell Clinton Portis I'm ready for our date!"
• "You had me at Balco."
• "Barry Bonds stars in the Serena Williams Story."
• "I'll mess up the steroid tests by taking estrogen."
• "Are they real? No, they are just as fake as my 73 home-run season!"
• "I used to swing a Louisville Slugger."
• "I didn't know Tina Turner was a SF Giants fan."
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Monday, March 06, 2006
"Raise your hand if you were not in Crash," was one of host Jon Stewart's quips. Bjork, famed for a swan getup, couldn't attend, he said. "She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her." He called Walk the Line a remake, because "It was Ray with white people." He jabbed stars' liberal leanings by saying, "This is the first time many of you ever voted for a winner."
But perhaps funnier were bits by Ben Stiller in a green suit (above) pretending he was appearing as a disembodied head ("Freaky, isn't it?), Will Ferrell and Steve Carell (right) demonstrating the pitfalls of bad makeup, and even Nick Park and Steve Box with loud bowties on themselves and their Oscars (below) for 'Wallace & Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit.'
Friday, March 03, 2006
What's this? Some Dallas sportwriter has his sports Oscars list. And T.O.'s only best supporting actor? He gives best actor to Olympic failure Bode Miller over Lions GM Matt Millen, T.O.'s buddy Michael Irvin, skater Chad Hedrick, and baseball's Rafael Palmeiro. Owens does win his category, "for standing idly by while his representative, Drew Rosenhaus, couldn't stop saying the most ridiculous things," over Olympian Shani Davis and boxer Arturo Gatti. Those are the only nominees? Why not Rosenhaus for impersonating an agent? Why not
a Philly player, coach or (ex-)exec for efforts to fooling fans? Let's do a poll!
Thursday, March 02, 2006
C'mon. Who makes up these polls? A new one says some workers have lied to their bosses. Wow, there's a shocker. How about: Hot tub owners have happier love lives? A third one found that more people can name the five Simpsons (Lisa, Marge, Maggie, Homer and Bart) than the five rights listed in the First Amendment. Well, doh! The Bill of Rights doesn't make us laugh, doesn't talk about doughnuts and beer, isn't in color, isn't on every day in reruns, and doesn't contain colorful expressions like "Eat my shorts, dude." Makes you sick of polls, doesn't it? Well, how sick? Let's take a poll and find out!
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
You, too, can do tricks. Besides rolling over and begging, that is. With a digital photo of yourself or fellow humanoid, you go to the Web site for Disney's re-upcoming The Shaggy Dog, and click on "Shaggify Yourself." Follow the steps to be transformed into a mutt, just as Tim Allen will be in this remake of an old Fred McMurray flick. Just for fun (or is it because I forget to take my medication), here are some samples of how some famous Philadelphians look "shaggified," starting with Pat Croce.
Noted dog-memoir author:
Noted Franklin impersonator:
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